Is My Ex Gay?

Q: I broke up with my boyfriend because he lied and manipulated me, and would blame me for his mistakes. But looking back on our relationship, I’m beginning to wonder if he is bisexual or gay. My friends say he is. I don’t want to believe it, but so many things are pointing in that direction. I think because he was abused it could have permanently changed his sexuality. I am so tired of being hurt by guys. I am not sad so much as I am angry. I feel like he deceived me. How do I move on? How do I accept what he is–if he is gay? I need help understanding.

adropYou might be surprised that you’re not the first girl to ask this question. Guys and girls, Christians and unbelievers, all over this country are struggling with their sexuality, and you are one of SO many who have been affected by someone else’s sexual confusion.

I would love to give you answers, but I’ll tell you up front that I don’t think I’m going to be able to give you all the answers your looking for. What I can do is give you some tips to deal with your hurt in a healthy way and point you to the One who does know and can help you keep your head above water in all the confusion.

So… here’s how I see the situation:

  1. You got together with someone you thought was great boyfriend material.
  2. Sadly, it turns out he isn’t such great boyfriend material. Laying aside your questions about his sexuality, the manipulation, blaming your for his mistakes, and lying to you are huge red flags all by themselves.
  3. That’s it!

This might sound crazy, but whether Ben is bi or gay or just figuring stuff out doesn’t really matter a whole lot at this point. You’ve broken up, and from what you shared, I think that’s a really wise decision. Now it’s time to grieve the loss of that relationship, heal and move on. You may never know if Ben was attracted to guys while he was dating you, but that’s okay. Way more important than whether you ever know “if” or “why” is that you know you aren’t responsible for his choices. You didn’t cause it, there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it, and there was no way for you to have known things would turn out this way. Even if you find out that he is gay, you can still choose to love Him the way that Jesus loves every sinner, outcast, and rebel–including you and me! And you can move on with your head held high as a beautiful daughter of the King.

So, where do you go from here? If you haven’t already read Crushed: Why Guys Don’t Have to Make or Break You, I recommend it. In the chapter “He Can’t Break You” I explain some practical ways to heal after a devastating breakup, like how to cling to God, mourn the loss of the relationship and remember hope. (And if you want to read it, but can’t afford it, I would be happy to send you a copy!)

One more thing before I go… Forgiveness is going to be a hugely important part of healing. Carrying anger and resentment only hurts you, and ends up souring your heart and crippling your relationship with God. I’m sure you know that already, but if you’re anything like me, knowing it and doing it are two different things! 😉 Here’s a pretty good article that explains more about what forgiveness is and isn’t at  Today’s Christian Woman.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this pain and confusion, sis. I will continue to pray for you–for wisdom, forgiveness, healing, and hope for the future!


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Welcome to Life, Love and God—a place for teen girls to find answers! I’m Jessie. Consider me a spiritual “big sis”—someone who cares a ton for you and wants to help you thrive!